中壢英語國際演講會 Chungli Toastmasters Club

A13 The Roast- Chad

Toastmasters of the Evening says:  

    Ladies and Gentlemen, today is Albert’s promotion celebration party.  I hope you are enjoyed.  As I know some of you have known Albert for many years, but some of you do not know much about Albert. Let us take this opportunity to see what we shall update about him.  And Chad would like to give some words in this party.  Let us welcome Chad.

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Hello Albert, it is so great to join your celebration party today.  You must have a big big big sales in your job, don’t you. Otherwises, in this bad time when economy is stepping into recession, and you can get a promotion.  This proves your performance must be awesome.  Or, your manager was just lay off so they put you into that position?  Or your boss is an old lady?

Trust me, Ladies and Gentlemen, this promising young man has magical attraction to old women.  Most of his big clients are those rich old women. And they are even have Albert’s Fans Club. Just like 許純美 is crazy about 小狼狗. But, trust me, Albert is selling mutual funds & government bonds only, nothing else.  However, I still can not figure out one thing until today.  Albert could easily marry a rich woman and be taken care like a kid. And live a happy life like Prince and….Queen for rest of life.  On the opposite, he made a strange decision to marry a little girl and take care of her like baby sitter every day and night.  He can not resist of little girl’s attraction, right?  No, Albert is a man who prefers to give rather than being given. So he gives love to his wife, gives money to his family, gives time to friends and only takes money from customers.  What a promising young man!

Albert is an energetic young man who used to sleep 4 hours a day (it is 30% of yours only, Sunday).  He will do studying, reading books, writing poetry, playing the violin, and go exercising.  In a day, he can go swimming in the morning, playing basketball in the afternoon and get a 5000 meters jogging after dinner.  Before sleeping, another 100 push-ups shall be done, otherwise, he can not fall in to sleep because he is not tired enough.  Thanks God, we have banks in this world. And the good thing is we have financial crisis recently. So Albert can fully diver his energy into it. And devote his genius-like talents into this bank system to see a way out.  See… he got a promotion.

His superman’s energy also leads him to join the Marine in military.   Do you remember that? He was coming back from military to give speech with a man-power body shape and doing push-ups in front of everybody.  I forget what the speech title is.  I guess it shall be something about “Demonstration of push-ups” or “the correct way to do push-ups.  But, I am very sure that Toastmasters speech manuals do not have this kind of project. 

The fact is at the moment, he looked like a Beer.  Girls and boys were eager to get a bite of his muscle. Yes, includes some boys.  He didn’t look like now at all. So, Albert, is it because of we are having two cute Pandas coming to Taiwan, and you see everybody likes this new image. So you force yourself to change your out looking? You look so cute like Panda now.  That Taiwan Black Beer is disappeared.  Ladies and gentlemen, do you know that Pandas can eat 30Kg bamboo in a day and have 5 Kg poo poo in one time?  I have no ideas if this Panda in this room can do the same or not.

At least one thing we know that Pandas are very popular. Everybody likes to be with them.  Albert has the same attraction to everybody.  He is friendly and easygoing. It is always comfortable to be with him.  After having this new out looking, Albert does not have to worry about sleeping anymore.  Before, that black beer has to do 100 push-ups to have enough feeling to sleep.  Now, this Panda can do 5 push-ups only when having enough sleep. He does not have to waste time running out of energy.  That is a good change. Just like what Obama says: We need change. Yes we can. It is just 5 push-ups. Yes we can.

Albert, I hope I effectively point out a lot of advantages you have in your party today. Our country needs promising young man. I believe with your full energy in banks, taking from clients, giving to friends, and Panda’s popular out looking, you will bring new hopes to this society.  Keep it up, promising young man!

Special Occasion Speech   Project 3 THE ROAST

Objectives:

1.      Poke fun at a particular individual in a good-natured way

2.      Adapt and personalize humorous material from other sources.

3.      deliver jokes and humorous stories effectively.

Time: Three to five minutes.

Used in the speaking sense, the word “roast” implies that heat is being applied to someone- that someone is being “booked” or embarrassed in some way.

Actually, a roast can be considered a positive recognition, in which an individual and his or her achievements are honored by friends, co-workers and family.

However, unlike the speech of praise, a roast relies on wit, humor and stire to convey the message.

Retirement, farewell, promotion and anniversary parties can all be occasions for roasts. Most often the individual being honored is roasted by numerous others, each delivering several minutes of material. This roast material generally consists of jokes and anecodotes about the honored guest’s person, accomplishments, escapades and eccentricities. The jokes and anecdotes are good natured- not mean-spirited- and may not even be true! But they are funny. And, best of all, at the end of the roast the recipient is given and opportunity to respond.

Preparing the Material

A successful roast begins with a willing guest of honor. This individual must be agreeable and capable of handling the verbal abuse with grace and cheerfulness. Also, you- and everone attending or participating in the roast- must know and like the person well enough, or the roast simply won’t be funny.

Once it has been established that guest is willing and is known fairly well by all who will attend, you are ready to begin assembling your roast material.

Begin by making a list of everything you know about the guest of honor, such as:

‧    fmaily

‧    education

‧    employment

‧    personal characteristics (including appearance and mannerisms)

‧    hobbies

‧    travel experience

‧    outstanding achievement

‧    personal philosophies

If necessary, talk to the individual’s family and friends to fill in any missing information. It is important to find out as much as you can, since this information will serve as the basis for your material.

Next, select several of the above areas which have the most promising information and to which most of your audience can relate. Then begin collecting jokes and anecdotes that address these areas. You will find a great deal of material in joke books, newspapers and magazines. Then adapt the material to your guest of honor. Don’t neglect to include original jokes and stories and events that actually happened.

As an example, consider this scenario: The person you are roasting, Ed, is a co-worker, known for both his determination and for meeting deadlines against all odds, and the occasion is his promotion to vice president. Once of your joke could be, “We appreciate some delays in project X, and Ed was very upset. I said, “Ed, Rome wasn’t built in a day”. He replied, “ I wasn’t in charge of that job”. You could then talk about Ed’s contributions to the company, saying, “Ed takes credit for a lot of achievements… mine mostly. “

Remember, since this is a good humored roast rather than a sober testimonial, your jokes need not be reality-based. Instead, start with a kernel of truth, then exaggerate it or distort it to unbelievable levels. Or your story could be completely fantasy-based.

Whatever jokes or anecdotes your select. Be sure the suit you. You must be comfortable with them, and your audience must be comfortable hearing you tell them. For example, if you are normally a reserved person, no one is likely to accept a story from you about the time you and Ed performed in a rodeo together.

But they would accept your story about the marriage advice Ed once gave you.

Above all, be sure your material will not hurt the feelings of the guest of honor. Generally it is safe to poke fun at things that the guest of honor kids himself about.  For example, if the guest of honor often jokes about her terrible tennis game, you can safely joke about her tennis abilities as well. Even so, ask someone close to the guest of honor to review your material beforehand to determine if anything might be offensive.  If something is questionable, rewrite or eliminate it.  In all cases, use good taste and avoid using profanity or “ blue” material; you risk offending or embarrassing not only the audience but the guest of honor as well.

Your Delivery

Are you uncomfortable telling a joke? Do you think that some people are just born to be funny- and you aren’t one of them? The truth is, people can tell a joke if it is right for them, if they are familiar with it, and if they have overcome their nervousness through rehearsal and coaching.

Some of the best jokes come from surprise and incongruity; when shy, quiet Nancy deliver a knockout joke, the audience will roar.

The key is rehearsal. Delivery can make or break the best material in the world. Practice your roast so thoroughly that all clumsiness, false starts and mumbled punch lines are eliminated.  And remember to be yourself. Too often novice humorists try to imitate their favorite comedian, the usual result being and uncomfortable silence from the audience. Avoid such embarrassments by telling your stories and jokes in the same way you normally speak. Enunciate properly and speak slowly, remembering always to project your voice. Don’t rush through your material- especially your punch lines! Always maintain good eye contact with your audience, and use gesture naturally.

Once you feel your material is ready, rehearsal your delivery with family or friends.  Ask for their advice. Should you pause in certain places for effect? Gesture a certain way? Change a joke or anecdote?

Your Project Speech

For this project, you will create and present a three-to five-minute “roast”.

The occasion- e.g., retirement banquet, anniversary ore farewell party- will be selected by you. The speech is to be humorous, including jokes and anecdotes about the honored guest that may be adapted from other sources. The presentation should be good-natured and not offend the individual or the audience.

         In a farmyard, a Mother Duck sat on her nest. She was waiting for her eggs to hatch. Each day she proudly looked at them. There were six eggs, which meant six little ducklings to teach to swim.

　　One sunny spring morning, the first egg began to crack.

　　'Tap, tap, tap,' a duckling inside try to get out. Mother Duck watched as the egg cracked open and out popped a fluffy duckling.

　　"One," said Mother Duck proudly.

　　Then, in the following days, eggs were hatched one by one.

　　However the sixth day passing, but nothing happened. Nor on the seventh.

　　"How strange," said Mother Duck on the seventh day. "It should have hatched by now."

　　One of the farmyard chicken said;

　　"Oh, You're still there I thought you'd be in the pond by now."

　　"My last egg hasn't hatched yet." said Mother Duck. "

　　"Let me see," said the chicken. "Well no wonder. It looks like a goose egg to me. You'll be here for a long time."

　　"Oh dear," said Mother Duck. "I have my five little ducklings to teach to swim. What shall I do? I can't leave it."

　　"Aah well," said the chicken, and she wandered off.

　　The goose heard that one of her eggs was in Mother Duck's nest.

　　"Is it true?" she asked, as she puffed up to the nest. "Do you have one of my eggs?"

　　"I think so," said Mother Duck. They both looked in the nest.

　　"Huh," said the goose. "That's not mine. It looks more like that absent-minded turkey's egg."

　　As they looked, they suddenly heard the faint tapping. The shell was breaking.

　　"We'll soon see," said the goose.

　　They watched and waited.

　　"Oh," said the goose.

　　"Oh, dear," said Mother Duck, as she looked at the sixth duckling. It looked very strange, it was straggly and grey where its brothers and sisters were fluffy and yellow. It was also bigger than them.

　　It quacked as it saw its mother.

　　"Well, if it's a turkey," said the goose, "it won't swim."

　　Mother Duck hurried her ducklings to the pond. She waddled in and listened. Splash! Splish! Splosh! Splash! Splish! She turned and looked. All six ducklings followed her in the water.

　　"Oh, well," she said. "He can swim. He is definitely not a turkey."

　　The sixth duckling was very good at swimming, and was soon swimming better than his brothers and sisters.

　　When they back at the farmyard, things did not go well for the little duckling. Everyone called him an ugly duckling. The chickens laughed at him, the turkeys chased him and the geese hissed at him.

　　Soon even his brothers and sisters would not talk to him, but when his mother turned away, he was very sad. He decided to leave the farmyard.

　　One sunny morning, the duckling left the farmyard and didn't look back. He was looking for somewhere new to live.

　　When he'd been walking a while he came to a large lake. There were some ducks swimming on it.

　　He swam up to them.

　　"May I stay on this lake?" he asked.

　　"Of course," said the ducks. "We'll be moving on soon. Why don't you join us, if you're on your own?"

　　"Thank you," said the duckling.

　　The duckling stayed on the lake and day by day he grew bigger. One day he looked up to see some large white birds flying gracefully over the lake.

　　"They're beautiful," he whispered, and then sighed. "I wonder who they are?"

　　One day the ducks came to see him.

　　"It's autumn, and we're going now," they told him, "join us if you want to."

　　Some ducks began to fly up to leave, but suddenly loud bangs were heard. Two of the ducks fell from the sky. Others flew up in fright, and more fell as more bangs were heard.

　　The duckling ran and hid. He found a bush and stayed there until the noise had stopped. When it was quiet he sadly left the lake and headed away over the fields.

　　He came to another lake and there he stayed. Winter was coming and he was alone. As the days grew colder, he found that it was harder to find food.

　　The one morning he woke and found that he couldn't move. The lake had frozen and he was stuck in the ice. The day passed and the duckling was giving up hope of being found. But late in the afternoon a man walking his dog and saw him. He broke the ice, and the duckling was free. He ran across the ice and hid. He didn't dare to go on the ice again.

　　Winter passed, spring came, and the ice melted.

　　The duckling stretched his wings and found that they were strong enough to carry him. He flew upon and over the lake, high above the trees and fields. He should have been very happy, but he was not because he felt so lonely.

　　A few days later, he looked up to see the large white birds he had seen in the autumn. They looked beautiful as they landed on the lake. The duckling admired their glossy white feathers and long necks. He swam over to take a closer look at them.

　　"Please," he said shyly. "Will you tell me who you are. You are so beautiful and I am so ugly. I've never seen anybody like you."

　　"Ugly," cried one of the white birds. "How silly!"

　　"We're swans," said another. "Why do you think you're ugly? Look at yourself in the water."

　　The duckling looked and caught sight of his own reflection. He gasped in surprise, for instead of seeing a fat, grey duckling he saw a swan with a long elegant neck and a bright orange bill. "I'm like you," he cried. "I'm a swan, too."

　　"Definitely," said the swan, with a smile.

　　"Does that mean I can stay with you, and not live alone?"

　　"Of course," said the swans.

　　At that moment two children ran down to the lake. "Ooh, look!" they cried. "The swans are back and there's a new one, too. Isn't he beautiful!"

　　The ugly duckling stretched his neck and ruffled his feathers with pride.

　　Then it was time to go flying with all of the other swans and, as the duckling took off from the lake, he could see his new beautiful reflection in the water.

The Start of an Unstoppable Journey-

（My first experience in Toastmasters）

Six years ago, also on a Friday evening, I took my courage to stepping into a Business Building near SOGO department store in ChungLi. I took the elevator to the 3^rd floor and was looking for “丞燕國際股份有限公司”. When the door of the elevator opened, I saw the sign “ChungLi Toastmasters Club” with an arrow. “Bingo. I found it.” I felt so relieved and followed the direction to enter an office. There was a young, tall and handsome man. “對不起，請問這是Toastmasters嗎?” I asked the young man. “Yes. This is ChungLi Toastmasters Club. My name is Albert. Are you a guest?” “我是Amy。” “Oh, Amy, nice to meet you.” The man stretched out his hand. I felt uncomfortable but still shook hands with him in a stiff manner. “Amy, the meeting will start at 7:00 p.m. Now, we are just preparing the meeting room. Please just wait for a moment.”

Just few weeks ago of that evening, I googled “learning English” and found ”Toastmasters”. What captured my attention was that it said it’s a non-profit organization for learning communication and leadership skills as well as improving English speaking ability! At that time, I thought “non-profit” equaled to “free”. Therefore, I decided to visit a club in ChungLi. But when I discovered that the meeting place was located in “丞燕國際股份有限公司” -- -- a direct sales company, I felt hesitated about my decision. Think about it. Why a non-profit organization holds its meeting in a direct sales company?

Even though there were so many doubts and question marks in my mind. I still want to take a look at Toastmasters. On one hand, I was so curious about what “Toastmasters” is; on the other hand, I was also worried about my safety in this strange place. Is this a trap? Is this a con game?

When I wait for the meeting, I wondered what if they persuade me to buy any products? What if they ask me to sign any paper, or invite me to join their company and become their agent, what should I do? When I imagined all kinds of scenarios in my brain, the meeting room was set up. They invited me to have a seat. As smart as I am, I picked a seat, which was closer to the door. I planned if I feel the atmosphere is not right, I can leave the meeting room at any time.

When Time approached to 7:00 p.m., more people came into the meeting room. They shook hands with each other naturally, and talked to each other in English fluently. In fact, when I watched their interaction, I was overwhelmed by complicated feelings and thoughts, such as strange, uncomfortable, curiosity and expectation.

Finally, the meeting started. A man called everyone to stand up and put their hands on their chests and read out the vow. Read out the vow? It was kind of like attending a religious or political gathering. My fear was growing once again. And I hesitated to leave or to stay, to leave or to stay, to leave or it’s too late.

After the vow, a charming lady Sophia Lin conducted the meeting and everything proceeded as planned. With the meeting going on, my worries and fears were replaced by surprise. The meeting was different from what I imagined. It was alive with laughters and claps. What impressed me the most was that almost everyone could speak English very well. I almost can’t believe that this is what happened in Taiwan.

Tell the truth, at that time, my English was very poor. Before attending the meeting, I told myslef, to avoid acting like a fool, I must follow the golden rule that is “do what other people do” in case I don’t understand what they are talking about. So, when everyone laughed, I laughed, too. When everyone clapped, I clapped, too. Even I didn’t know what they laughed at or why they clapped for. I just followed. And this golden rule really worked. It made me safe in the whole meeting.

Until the table topics master called my name, the nightmare came to me. The master invited me to say something about a topic. However, I even didn’t understand what her question was. At that moment, my brain went blank, and my tongue was twisted. I didn’t know what to say. All members stared at me and nothing left. Few seconds later, I found my only answer, “I don’t know.” And my face turned from white to red to green to white to pale. I was so embarrassed at the moment.

It seemed to be a torture to me in the rest of the meeting. “I don’t know.” The three words repeated themselves again and again, over and over in my mind. When the meeting came to an end, I rushed home even without saying Goodbye to anyone.

Time flies. Six years passed and when I recall those memories, the images are still vivid and look like what happened just yesterday. The first visit to a Toastmasters club was an unforgettable experience, and it also brought me to start a journey that never ends. Dear fellow members and distinguished guests, did you still remember your first impression of Toastmasters?

Date: Oct. 3, 2008

Title: The man we respect

Speaker: Chad Huang, ACB, CL

Project No. : A12

Advance Manual: Occasion Speeches - Speaking in Phraise

Family members of Mr. Ma, ladies and Gentleman. Today we sit here together on a Saturday morning is for the same reason –To remember our beloved friend, Jerry Ma and say goodbye to this forever young man.  

Jerry was a man who enjoyed life’s beauty and added colors to his life.  He was the one teaching us like a mentor, joking with us like a close friend and playing with us like a child. Laughter and wisdom always accompanied him wherever he went   People enjoyed being with him.

With 26 years Toastmasters membership since 1980, Jerry had dedicated himself to this organization and successfully chartered many clubs.  Not to mention how many people were inspired by his encouraging words, which led them to a happy life.

No matter what, Jerry was always supportive to members who gave speeches. He always said positive words to encourage them to continue.  However sometimes in his evaluation, he played a naughty game. We usually followed the candy theory: KISS, KICK, KISS.  But, he always said KISS, KICK, then KILL. Then, you would see a naughty smile on his face. That was followed by everyone’s laughter in the whole meeting room.  But, he still could bring it back to the serious part.  Kelly remembers he said: “there is no perfect speech in meetings. The perfect speech only happens on your way home.”  There is always some room for improvement and it’s always good to listen to other’s evaluation. On one hand, he encouraged you to move forward. On the other hand, he mentioned the spirit of self-reflection.

Serving as A4 Governor from 1989 to 1995, in these 5 years, Jerry helped build the Taoyuan, ChungLi and Hsinchu clubs, as well as many other language clubs.  He said “I go to Sampo clubs on Monday, Mandarin club on Tuesday, Taiwanese club on Wednesday, Bilingual club on Thursday, and come to Chungli club on Friday.”  And on weekends, he went to a dancing club and bible study class.  He was so busy, but he enjoyed his life.   So people here in Taoyuan area call him “the God Father”.  There is no question about that

The source of his power and inspiration was his interest in everything. One of our members, Elaine, said “she remembers how Jerry was so interested in leaning things because his mind was always open to new ideas.  In his upper pocket, he has one small booklet attached with one pen which looked very old from outside. However, on the inside were a lot of beautiful sentences and words.  Whenever he heard golden words or funny stories, he took out this Treasure Box and put them in.

In school, he encouraged students to stand on stage to give presentations and trained them to evaluate each other.  In daily life, he brought his friends to Toastmasters club. Because in his mind, to spread happiness in a learning group with everybody was the most enjoyable thing in his life.

Many members around Taiwan, including you and me, said we received a lot from Jerry’s concrete supports in both actions and words. And they were shocked and sad to hear he has said goodbye to everybody.  But, what we shall do is to take over his spirit and spread it over to the circle of our lives.  Since we have benefited from others for ages, why don’t we stand up to become the givers? Ladies and Gentlemen, just like what Jerry said in his Inaugural Speech of District Governor in 1998, Toastmasters is a land of opportunity, which is available to everyone. Toastmasters is a door, open to all individuals.  If, at his age he could say he was the youngest in the club, who can say he is too old to move and too late to start?  If Jerry could spread out his influential power to so many people and enjoy every minute of his life including the last minute of that in dancing, why can’t we add more colors in our lives in the same way?  Let us salute our forever mentor and follow his spirit and example. And put him in our memory forever.               Toastmasters

Honorable guests and Fellow toastmasters, good evening.

(Playing music & driving)  That was an early morning around quarter pass 8.  I was driving on my way to my customer’s office.  When you drive on the main street in Saudi Arabia, 80 ~90 kilometer per hour is very slow.  At least I have to step on the power and speed up to 120.   But, if you think I am taking the lead on street, you better take a look at those impatient taxi drivers from the rear mirror.     Their facial expression was like (pretending yielding…etc).  But, I do not have time to slow down my car just for these Pakistan terrorist drivers. .  I got an appointment to meet at 8:30.  So I step on the power to full speed.  I see the speed meter is getting out of control.  120, 125, 130, 134, 136, 140. And I also see the LED digital number on temperature meter is also getting higher and higher, 27, 28 , 29, 30, 31…  At this moment, Arabic signer: Nancy’s uplifted song, playing loudly inside this Honda Civic under 40 degree’s sunshine and mixing up with those taxi driver’s facial dance.   I do not know the heat is coming from the engine or from the wind, or from the Sun, or from my inner body.  I start sweating and I see the time on screen is approaching 8:29.  I turn on the turbo and fly in the wind. I see 135, 137 140, 145, 146… Bang!

I see the front door of the office on my left hand. Making a quick U turn and shutting down all the sound at the parking space.  

(Knocking door sound)

Nasir: Good morning, Mr. Chad! Welcome.  What happen to you? Did you just come back from Jungle? Ha Ha…

Chad: Yeah… it is amazing. It rains like cats and dogs in my car!

Nasir: Anyway, how is everything? How is business? Do you want some coffee or tea?

Chad: Yes! Ice coffee,  please. Mr. Nasir, (His full name is Nasir Al Odan, but they usually call each other’s first name with Mr. at the front.  This will make them feel we are close like friends. So we call each other’s first name. However, on the other hand, they call you Mr. in order make you feel respected. )

Chad: Mr. Nasir, did you get my quotation of the Chinese machines? Is everything fine?  I got the full support from their sales manager on price.  Why I don’t see your reply?

Nasir: yeah… Mr. Chad… you know that is the problem.  Chinese give price to everybody.  If you ask, they give it to you.  It is not like European or Unite States’ system. The price will only give it to the local agents.  But, in China, No.  The market is completed open!  They sell tissue paper, pencils, cars on internet.  If you open one account from Yahoo and send email to them, they send you back with price immediately.  And the interesting is, every time price is different like your stock market.  Take a look at this. (but do not tell me I show you this price)

(Show up two papers)

Nasir: Honestly speaking, how many percentage you put on your commission? 

I am still staring at that two number on the two papers. And I am trying to use the most basic mathematics to figure out they are the same things or not.  The time is stop and the air in that office is also squeezed into a small air bag.  This air bag is in my hands and wait for me to blow it off.  I see the clock behind on the wall behind him.  It is 8:47am.  I picked up the cup with Ice tea and sip a little bit. The Ice water rushes into my stomach and wakes me up.   I rise up my right hand and said: 5

Nasir: Only 5%?  But, you see it is a 40% different here.  Your price is 40% higher than this.  You see it is from the same company, same machine model.  Anyway, please figure it out.  We do not think they are very honest and we do not feel safe.  That is why we need you to help us to get a better price.  It is very difficult to know their mentality.  We think you have same language and same culture. You can talk to them easily and understand what they think.

(I heard an inner voice from my heart replying him: No, not at all! It is also very difficult for me to know Chinese people’s logics) 

I come back to call this Chinese sales manager and prepare to have a big fight. Guess what?  The answer surprises me. He said: if you think my company’s price is too high, I have one friend making the same machine and the price is very low.  Please take the machine from him.   This answer really confuses me a whole day.  This manager works in A company, but he is more willing to promote B company’s machine.  It is so complicated.  After that phone call, I just want to go to sleep.

3 months ago, I always think the most difficult business in the world is to deal with Indian or Arabian people. And I did it in passing 3 years.  But, 3 months later, I found that it is even more difficult to control the business with Chinese, even I have the same language, same culture, and same blood.   And now the hot potato is still on my hand.  What shall I reply to Mr. Nasir??  If you have any good solution, come to me and I will buy you a ticket to Saudi Arabia.

Toastmasters!